Enough As She Is by Rachel Simmons

Author:Rachel Simmons
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2018-01-05T05:00:00+00:00

Whether we do it on our own or with others, ruminating runs on a circular track: we go around and around as we wonder, speculate, and emote. What we don’t do is problem solve, make a decision, or simply find some joy together. Shifting away from co-ruminating with your daughter will mean letting go of what she doesn’t (or can’t) know the answer to, and embracing what is in her control to change. It will also demand empathizing with her feelings rather than dwelling on them.

TALKING WITHOUT RUMINATING

One sign that your daughter might prefer co-ruminating is that she blows you off when you urge her to act instead of talk. This is where you might hear, It’s hopeless. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t believe she left her dirty laundry on my bed! Or: I knew I should have gone to another school.

There are few parenting maxims more resonant than the one that says we’re only as happy as our least happy child. To help your daughter move away from ruminating, you will need to summon reserves of strength and energy so you can stay present, warm, and empathic when your heart may be breaking for your child.

Here’s what you might say in response: “I know you’re upset. I get it, and I would be, too. But at some point, we have to move forward, try to address what’s happening, and make this better for you. The best way for us to move forward is to figure out your next steps. Let’s do that together.” Empathy is crucial in helping her shift away from ruminating. When she believes you really understand what she’s feeling, and that you’re making the effort to attune to her experience, she will be much more likely to listen to you.

ORID (Objective, Reflective, Interpretive, Decisional) is a problem-solving method that was developed to help individuals and groups break free of indecision and problem solve with clarity. I have found it a useful tool in redirecting conversations that are becoming too ruminative.

Say your daughter is talking with you about a roommate she doesn’t like. The roommate is inconsiderate and unfriendly and, on top of that, doesn’t seem to realize she’s a royal slob. Your daughter sounds despondent. It’s only the second week of school. How will she survive this for an entire academic year?

Your first line of questions should be objective: ask your daughter what she actually knows to be true. What events have occurred? What has the roommate said and done? What did she say or do in reply? Stick with the who, what, where, when, and how. No whys. Don’t let your daughter start editorializing (Can you believe how rude she is? How am I going to study when she’s so insanely loud?!). Remain on the solid ground of evidence, and what she knows to be true right now.

Your next set of questions are reflective: How does your daughter feel about this? Is she angry? Betrayed? Disappointed? Let her vent a bit about how the roommate assignment process is rigged, and whether pitching a tent on the quad is legal.

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